What It Feels Like to Be Goldilocks

By Jensen Horner // As Told to Alessia Rivera

I had a lot of time to myself.

My days were boring. The after school excitement that most people look forward to wasn’t there for me. All of my free time was spent daydreaming about romance: going on adventurous dates, casual intimacy and sharing my life with another person.

I wanted someone to make my everyday routine worthwhile.

My first relationship gave me a taste of what it was like to love someone. I was a freshman and we were both so young. We spent so much time together and being with him was my favorite part of my day. He was the first boy I ever said “I love you,” to; I thought it was something so real.

But I was wrong.

It was another weekend that I had been anticipating since the last. My significant other spent his days at our crosstown rival, so all I had to look forward to were the two free days we had every week: Saturday and Sunday. They were reserved for him and me.

As our relationship progressed, his priorities shifted. My weekends slowly became the saddest part of the week. I stopped looking forward to the week that I had ahead of me. It was always him and someone else; I was never really in the picture. I felt as if I wasn’t important to him. I felt lonely, even if I wasn’t alone, but maybe this is what love was? I shouldn’t be worried because he loves me, that’s what he told me anyway. Eventually I realized that the love I thought I had with him wasn’t enough for me. Ending things with him felt like I was giving up on love, but I still had dreams of romance.

Months had passed since my last relationship. I always believed in love, but at that point I felt like it was going to take awhile for me to find it. I didn’t think I would find the person I was dreaming about so soon.

But then I met him.

It was my sophomore year, in the middle of October. The air was crisp. As my friend and I walked into the local grocery store, the air felt lighter. We walked down the aisle and I felt the urge to look twice. I saw him. I thought he was the cutest boy I ever saw. Being the extroverted person that I am, I decided to approach him. He worked at the store so I asked him to help pick out a candy for my sweet tooth.

From the first time we met, I thought we were going to be forever. I had my doubts, but he made me feel something that I thought I would never find. By the time he asked me out, he made sure that he was going to treat me as best as he could.

He wanted something special and so did I.

My most cherished memory with him was the first time we said “I love you,” to each other. We were sitting on the couch at his house, enjoying each other’s company. I remember the quickening of my heart as the emotions flooded my mind and body. We both were holding back, but when we said it, it just felt right.

After six months of dating, we were getting ready to go our separate ways in just a few short days.

He was leaving for college.

Those six months of dinner dates, movie nights and so much more were something that I took for granted. In a few days, I wouldn’t have them anymore. No more listening to “Sea of Love” during every car ride. I won’t be able to text him everyday to ask if he wants to come over or go get food with him when I’m bored. I didn’t know what I was going to do. I had my friends, but sometimes he was the only one that I wanted to be around. Having him hours away was going to be hard for me.

Now that he’s gone, some days are fine. We try to FaceTime every night, or, if we both find ourselves to be unoccupied, we FaceTime right after school for hours at a time. There are some days where it is an uphill battle. Days when we don’t feel like talking. Days when sadness overpowers us because of the argument we had last night. Days when I’m just helpless without him. Days when I want to feel loved, but it’s not an option. Nonetheless, I am extremely happy.

The smile on my face never fades.

The positives and negatives are worth the fight. The impact distance has left on our relationship is indescribable. The trust is there. When he comes home to visit and we meet again, it’s like the rough patches never existed and it’s all beautiful once more. I would do anything for him and I know the feelings are reciprocated.

I believe in true love. I believe it is a good thing to want the love you give in return, just an influx of small things and reassurances that you love and care about someone.

I want him in my life forever. He’s one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I couldn’t imagine my life without him now that he’s in it. I’m not alone anymore; he is my person. I know we are still young and people think it’s all antics, but we want to be together forever.

He’s my Mikey.

He’s my soulmate.